Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway (Part 2a)
A page in the diary "Accept, Adapt and Appreciate: How?"
Written by nw4m Jun 28 2008 10:20 AM
This chapter shares with you what it means by taking personal responsibility for your fears.
Whether You Want It or Not…It’s Yours (Chp 4)
Author: ..Note that I have been careful not to ask you to believe that you are responsible for all your experiences (although there are some who would argue that you are).
Rather, I ask you to believe you are the cause of all your experiences of life, meaning that you are the cause of your reactions to everything that happens to you.
Seven definitions of taking responsibility
- Keep remembering that whenever you are not taking responsibility, you put yourself in a position of pain, and hence decrease your ability to handle the fear in your life.
1. Taking responsibility means never blaming anyone else for anything you are being, doing, having or feeling.
“Never?” you say. “But this time it really is his fault”…. Until you fully understand that you, and one else, create what goes on in your head, you will never be in control of your life.
2. Taking responsibility means not blaming yourself.
I know this sounds contradictory, but it is not. Anything that takes away your power or your pleasure makes you a victim. Don’t make yourself a victim of yourself!
For some, this is more difficult than not blaming others. Once you become aware that you have created so much of your unhappiness, you may have a tendency to punish yourself and put yourself down.
…It is important to understand that you have always done the best you possibly could, given the person you were at any particular time.
Now you are learning a new way of thinking, you can begin to perceive things differently and possibly change many of your actions.
…You must be patient with yourself. There is never any need to be down on yourself. Nothing is your “fault”.
Yes, you cause your unhappiness, but this is no reason to cast blame. You’re simply on the path towards greater self-fulfillment, and it is a lengthy process of trial and error.
3. Taking responsibility means being aware of where and when you are NOT taking responsibility so that you can eventually change.
…This is not to say that you aren’t entitled to have your basic needs met by your partner – the need to be supported in your growth, the need to be nurtured at times, the need to know there is caring on your spouse’s part (nw4m: can substitute with friends..etc) – but when you are not handling your life, no amount of caring and nurturing is enough.
If someone is not supplying your basic needs to be nurtured and loved, certainly you would serve yourself by leaving.
But first, you must ask yourself, “Is it that he/she is so terrible, or is it simply that I am not taking responsibility for my experience of life?”
If you are satisfied that you simply do not choose to spend your life with this person, then it is also taking responsibility to move on with the intention of finding a more compatible partner.
One clue that you are truly taking responsibility is when you feel little or no anger towards this person. You realize that you chose to be there in the past and you are now choosing to leave.
Nothing is the other’s fault. He/she is doing the best he/she can given her/his level of personal growth.
Anger is your clue that you are not taking responsibility.