SH Series: The Mythology of Self-Worth (Part 1)
A page in the diary "Accept, Adapt and Appreciate: How?"
Written by nw4m Jul 10 2008 10:49 PM
Why do some of us fall into depression? Most of us think it's due to external factors like a poor lover, unfaithful spouse, uncaring parents, etc.
But could it be that it is something within us as well that contributes to most of the unhappiness we are feeling now.
Check this out.
The Mythology of Self-Worth
- Using reason to dispel the fallacies that trigger needless anxiety, depression and anger
Published Year 2004
Author: Richard L.Franklin, a teacher and counselor of Rational-Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT).
The Myth of Self-Worth (Chp 2, Pg 12)
Allow me to begin with the most obvious question” What is the meaning of the term self-worth? How do we define it?
Somehow we have to reach an agreement as to what we’re talking about when we use this term. As you will see, this is no easy task. I’m reminded of the time I was leading a support group, and a woman furiously insisted she had self-worth – albeit she didn’t know what it was. Unwilling to even discuss the issue, she caustically suggested I look up self-worth in the dictionary if I didn’t know what it was. I guess I got told.
…If we take a poll among psychologists, counsellors, sociologists, and so forth, we learn that two signs supposedly indicate the presence of self-worth.
You have self-worth when (1) you have love or approval, or (2) you perform well. It is only then that we tell ourselves we are worthy human beings.
Despite vast clinical evidence that this is what self-worth means in actual usage, most people still stubbornly insist there is some mystical entity above and beyond winning approval or performing well. They claim it is this spectre that is referred to when we talk about self-worth.
Don’t swallow this. This belief is pure superstition – a piece of mumbo-jumbo that can devastate your growth if you don’t uproot it from you world view.
There is no such thing as self-worth.
You may longingly tell yourself you possess this ghostly chimera, but your protests will not conjure it into existence.
…Have you thought about what self-esteem means? It literally means to esteem or judge the self – a truly foolhardy enterprise.
..From pulpit, press, and podium, we are urged to build our self-esteem and to teach our child to do the same.
Unfortunately, no effective tools are ever provided for doing so. The result is predictable – people fall back on trying to build their self-esteem through outstanding performance or winning lavish approval.
Self-esteem becomes a de facto slavish courting of the esteem of others and self-defeating perfectionism at work and play.
Trying to build self-esteem is like wandering lost in the Gobi Desert without a map or compass.
There are no valid guidelines for judging the value of a human being. The pursuit of self-esteem will only lead to a dead end.
One ends up focusing obsessively on one’s self. Paradoxically, people who focus on the self don’t get very far – they only become self-centred.
Have you thought about the term self-centred? It means placing the self at the centre of your focus. If you worry constantly about building self-esteem or whether you have self-worth, you soon become a self-centred bore.
Self-centred people are running scared. They’re afraid of being rejected, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of being diminished.
Happy people are problem-centred, not self-centred. They’re not worried about building self-confidence. Think about it. How the devil can you have confidence in a self?
What is truly useful to face your problems. This is what gives you control over your life. For this kind of orientation, you don’t need a mystical, unobtainable self-confidence. You will, however, want to build other kinds of confidence.
Two types are crucial – rejection-coping confidence and failure-coping confidence.
You will need these skills to convince yourself you can make mistakes or face disapproval without falling apart.
nw4m: I shall list some wise notes and their elaborations in this chapter by the author in the next instalment.