The Mythology of Self-Worth (Part 2)
A page in the diary "Accept, Adapt and Appreciate: How?"
Written by nw4m Jul 14 2008 01:31 PM
I shall list some wise notes and their elaborations in Chapter 2 by the author.
Obsession with how well you are doing can eat away at life’s pleasure.
Example: A woman in one of my support groups whined to the group that she had been unable to enjoy a spectacular Pacific sunset. Why? Because she had nobody to share it with. The pathos of her self-talk is found in a submerged rhetorical question, ‘What good is beauty if you can’t share it with a special someone?’
Often our fear of admitting mistakes is a fear of disapproval.
We’re afraid to let other see our fallibility. We crazily believe such exposure is a surefire way to lose our self-worth.
Be relentless in attacking this nonsense. Keep telling yourself you won’t shrink if somebody is critical or laughs at your latest blunder.
Act on your new self-talk by telling your friends about your mistakes and gross blunders. Describe your latest goofs with a dose of wry humour. If you learn to laugh a little at your screw-ups, the world will laugh with you – not at you.
Which is more painful: doing what you fear, or ducking what you fear?
Is it really easier to run and hide? Remember: every time you practise avoidance, this process becomes easier. ..Soon you become a knee-jerk coward.
Generally speaking, we’re not liked for ourselves; we’re liked for behaviours that please other people.
I’ve often listened to clients whining, ‘But, I want to be liked for myself.’ Ask yourself what this could possibly mean. As you learn to separate your total self from your individual behaviours, you’ll begin to see how flaky this idea is.
Generally speaking, we’re not liked for ourselves; we’re liked for behaviours that please other people. If you foolishly demand that others like you for yourself – whatever that may mean – you’re probably in for a big disappointment.
...You like to see movies with Frank. He’s a knowledgeable film buff who understands the intricacies of scripts, directing, editing, and so forth. He’s fun to chat with after seeing a film. On the other hand, you never play tennis with him. He argues over your calls, loudly curses, throws his rackets, and is often morose when he loses. The truth is you don’t like Frank for himself, you like him as your favourite movie-going buddy.
If you can’t like Frank for himself, does that mean there is no self we can identify? Of course not. There clearly is something we call the self. There is an experiential something at the core of personhood – a something that sees, hears, and dreams; a something that thinks, feels and becomes sexually aroused. That something will be around as long as you live; so learn to live with it. After all, you have no choice.
This brings us to some more windbaggery found in the world of psychotherapy, that sacred cow known as self-acceptance.
Have you ever thought about what this might be? If you have, and if you’re worried about not having it, forget it.
Self-acceptance is a daffy goal if self refers to your being. The fact is you absolutely must accept your actual being.
...Neither self-punishment nor self-praise will lead you to greater happiness and control over your life; so start attacking your self-rating habit at once.
To do this, take notice of what you tell yourself when (1) you face rejection, and (2) you perform poorly.
A sample script for handling mistakes
Wow, I really botched that job. Oh well, that doesn’t make me a turd. It only proves I’m human. Only gods are perfect. Since I’m a fallible human being, I should make mistakes. I’ll take a good close look at how I goofed, so I can learn something from my experience. If I learn something from my mistake, I’ll be less likely to make the same mistake again.
Sample script for handling rejection
I guess he’s not interested in me. Oh well, that doesn’t say anything about me – it only says something about his tastes. People reject other people for all sorts of strange reasons. A rejection doesn’t diminish me. I’m still exactly the same person.
If I discover he doesn’t like a behaviour of mine, I’ll take a hard look at what I’m doing. I may decide it would be best for me to change that particular behaviour. On the other hand, I may decide he’s being unacceptably demanding.
I don’t like being rejected, but I’m not going to make a mountain out of a molehill. I can tolerate rejection without falling apart. I’ll put it behind me and enjoy my relations with people who accept me.
…Remember that you must beware of I can’t-ism. Your progress will come in mincing little steps, and there will be backsliding. Don’t belittle this.
When your self-talk fails, tell yourself, I’m still not doing as well as I’d like to do, but that doesn’t prove I can’t do it. It’s only by quitting that I guarantee failure.
By stubbornly refusing to give in to my crazy self-talk, I’ll eventually uproot it, and when I do, it will be well worth the effort.