Unwanted memories: 2 years of wearing the green uniform
A page in the diary "Accept, Adapt and Appreciate: How?"
Written by nw4m Nov 1 2007 09:21 PM
This post is written partially in response to jaded's recent comments in her own post 'a place to rest your mind'. The other is to share more about the dark moments in this stage of my life.
Jaded mentioned the following in relation to my comments about saf psychiatric ward:
'Army psychiatric ward sure got a lot of 'kheng' case. my boy friends like to make up sickness so can get degraded.. no need to go combat training :P'
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Well, as in anywhere, there will always be people who try to wriggle their way out of what is judged to be heavy responsibilities or difficult situations. Myself included.
However, for me, it was getting quite intolerable during my days at my unit whereby I was constantly verbally abused by my immediate superior. Reason? For not being able to understand her instructions and army administrative protocols and procedures. Which is like Greek and rocket science to me, no matter how much effort I had made in taking down notes, asking colleagues and blah, blah, blah.
I was being pushed to my limits day after day into either becoming murderous or suicidal. I totally knew no place to approach for help as I completely did not know that a psychiatric ward for army personnel had even existed in the first place.
Recruits who are assigned to become clerical staff are not given much information on where to seek help, especially about psychological or emotional needs. At least this is what it was like during my time and for me, particularly.
If one is medically graded PES E during the pre-enlistment exercise and directly absorbed to become part of a particular army unit without undergoing any Basic Military Training (BMT), congratulations! Congrats if you are posted to places like CMPB (Central Manpower Base), where you strictly obey 9 to 5 working hours. Congrats also to more suffering ahead if you are posted to busy reservist units (like mine for example).
I had pamphlets given to me after my medical status assessment during the pre-enlistment exercise. However the information provided about SAF welfare and help schemes, addressed more about the needs of those who are going for BMT than for clerical vocations. Besides, when you are a soldier (especially the lowest rank of recruit), you would have to seek permission from your superiors to make an appointment with a SAF counsellor.
Assuming if it was approved, one would always have to face a grim and macabre looking superior when submitting your off-in-lieu pass book for going out of camp to attend the counselling sessions. Superiors have that soul-breaking stare in their eyes when you present the off-in-lieu book at their table.
The look on their faces was as dark as the walls of hell, their words, even when approving or not approving of my leave to attend counselling appointments, were skillfully uttered to mask their grave displeasure and thinking that here is a soldier who is trying to 'kheng'.
Fear, this word, is undoubtedly, too mild, too inadequate, to describe what I was feeling back then. There was no physical harm, but the psychological damage done was deep; deep enough for me not to know how entrenched, how well-hidden it is inside my own sub-conscious.
There is totally no motivation, incentive or benefits of any kind, to so-called tempt me to even try to 'kheng', prior to my enlistment or during my days as a NSF clerical staff. Of course, that is only if you can clearly understand what I have just described. But if you don't, that's ok with me. After all, you may think that this is just one guy experiencing such interesting events during his army days. It is an isolated case, you say.
But still, thanks for taking the time to read this post.
May no one in a future NSF clerical position, have to go through what I did, ever again.
I offer this prayer to all gods of all religions, and I hope they will answer if and when they feel the sincerity expressed by this wish.