Friendship Series 1: Friendship can be a form of 'useful' love
A page in the diary "Accept, Adapt and Appreciate: How?"
Written by nw4m Nov 16 2007 07:28 PM
ST 31 October 2007, Mind Your Body, The Love Series Part 3
Without friends, no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods. - Aristotle
Aristotle begins by considering the question: How many kinds of friendship are there?
..Friendship is a form of love, he reasons. But not everything can be an object of love. We love only things that are useful, pleasant or good.
So there are three corresponding kinds of friendship:
1) Friendships based on utility
"Those who love each other for their utility," said Aristotle, "do not love each other for themselves but in virtue of some good which they get from each other".
This is the least perfect form of friendship, because the love involved is ultimately self-directed. If I love you for what I can get from you, it is really myself that I love.
Friendships of this type are quickly dissolved. Once they outlive their usefulness, the friendship ends. Because said Aristotle, "they were lovers not of each other but of profit".
..when people use each other for their own interests, they are likely to feel down when they don't get everything they expect.
A deeper and more potentially damaging problem arises when one of the people involved misunderstands the nature of the friendship.
In essence, if I think that you love me for my character, and then find that you love me only because I am useful to you, I will become angry and upset.
"Most differences arise between friends when they are not friends in the spirit in which they think they are," said Aristotle.
Case study 1: Lisa Simpson
There is an episode of animated American sitcom The Simpsons in which, during a sweltering hot summer, the Simpson family build themselves a swimming pool. The local children descend upon them en masse, and, for the first time, the precocious daughter Lisa enjoys a taste of popularity.
The situation is beautifully summed up in a conversation between Lisa and the purple-haired twin sisters, Sherri and Terri.
Sherri: Isn't it amazing? The same day you got a pool is the same day we realised we like you!
Terri: The timing worked out great, don't you think?
This is a perfect example of a friendship based solely on utility. The children didn't like Lisa for herself, but only for her pool. Deep down, Lisa knows this, but chooses to ignore it.
Lisa: (thinking) They're only using you for your pool, you know. (Aloud) Shut up, brain! I've got friends now. I don't need you any more.
Predictably, Lisa's popularity is short-lived. The pool gets so full, it burst apart - and her friends desert her.
Case study 2: Work friends
Not all utility-based friendships are exploitative. In his book, The Philosophy of Friendship, Mark Vernon points out that most workplace friendships are based on utility.
The thing that unites us with our workmates is a set of common goals, which we must pull together to achieve. It is only natural that some camaraderie will ensue. Establishing friendly relations with co-workers makes us more productive, and makes our work more enjoyable.
But these friendships tend to be rather shallow. We all know how embarassing it is to bump into a colleague at the supermarket. Even if we're on good terms with them in the workplace, we find that we have little to say to them outside of it.
Most of us will also have observed how quickly workmates are forgotten once they move to a new job. We may have enjoyed their company day in, day out for years. But once they are gone, it's as though they never existed.
This is because most workplace friendships are ultimately determined by their utility. What unites us is our work, not our characters.
And, in the words of Aristotle: "(When)the motive of the friendship is done away, the friendship is dissolved, in as much as it existed only for the ends in question."
Avoiding the pitfalls
Perhaps it is wise simply to accept friendship of utility for what they are. There is little point bemoaning their shallowness if it is in their nature to be shallow.
For more satisfying friendships, we must look elsewhere.
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My own thoughts
Thanks, Mr Hayden. Wise words that help me to let go... ^_^