Book Review: Conquering Loneliness (Introduction)
A page in the diary "Accept, Adapt and Appreciate: How?"
Written by nw4m Jan 13 2008 09:54 PM
Author: Frank J.Bruno, Ph.D
Loneliness is a negative mental and emotional state characterized mainly by feelings of isolation and a lack of meaningful relationships with others.
..There are different kinds of loneliness. An important distinction can be made between transient loneliness and chronic loneliness.
Transient loneliness: both brief and passing. Like a cold wind that appears suddenly out of nowhere and vanishes just as suddenly back in nowhere. Reactive and situational.
Eg: You have been invited to a party, and you know only the host and hostess. Other people seem to be friendly and know each other. No one seems to be interested in you. They don’t seem to be seeing you as a person. You feel neglected and rejected. You will almost inevitably experience transient loneliness under these circumstances. Almost any of us would.
..We all know that mere presence of other people is not a sufficient condition for us to overcome loneliness.
Chronic loneliness: long-lasting. Seems to go on and on, and you wonder if it will ever end. It is corrosive and life destroying. It is likely that if you are motivated to read this book, you suffer to some degree from chronic loneliness. It has many faces and is aggravated by a number of psychological factors. The principal objective of this book is to offer you real help and hope if you suffer from this kind of loneliness.
..Another way to analyse loneliness is to define the following three categories:
1. Cognitive loneliness
2. Behavioural loneliness
3. Emotional loneliness
Cognitive loneliness – occurs when you have few, if any people with whom to share some of your more significant thoughts.
Eg: Dalton O., age sixty-seven, is a retired college professor of mathematics. He and his wife moved to a retirement community. He is a rather introverted man, quiet, and doesn’t make friends easily. He likes to discuss abstract ideas revolving around mathematics and philosophy. He enjoyed many such discussions when he worked. His colleagues had similar interests. Now he says, “There is no one I can talk to about scientific topics that interest me.” His wife, although loving, is not really able to help him meet his cognitive needs.
Behavioural loneliness – exists when you lack companionship for excursions and activities outside of the home.
When we travel, go to museums, go shopping, and so forth, we yearn for at least one other person to share the experience with. Activities and many projects seem to demand companionship. If you find yourself deprived in this area, you tend to suffer from behavioural loneliness.
Emotional loneliness – takes place when your need for affection is not met. This is the most important and the worst kind of loneliness.
Research suggests that we have an inborn need for affection. ..Studies of infants in orphanages in emerging nations have found that infants often receive quite adequate care in terms of food and medical attention. But they are deprived in terms of the affectional drive. They do not receive the quality of play, attention and natural interest that is spontaneously given by most parents.
Consequently, many of these children show a retarded developmental quotient. They do not sit up, crawl, and walk as soon as children in normal homes. They are prone to sickness and their death rate is above average. This is because even the immune system seems to be compromised by a lack of the proper kind of stimulation and affection.
..You never outgrow your need for affection. You need it as an infant. And you need it as a child, adolescent, and adult.
You need it, if not every day, on a fairly regular basis. You need affection the way you need food and water.