Book Review: Conquer Loneliness (The Art of Winning Friends)
A page in the diary "Accept, Adapt and Appreciate: How?"
Written by nw4m Jan 15 2008 09:21 AM
Art of Winning Friends
1) Refrain from making obvious criticisms
It is very easy to criticise, to find flaws. Often people who are openly critical think that this makes them perceived as intelligent in the other person’s eyes. After all, only an intelligent person would be able to see so many things wrong in everything. Nothing could be farther from the truth. If you nitpick and find every little thing wrong with everything, you will be seen as petty and trivial in your approach to life. Big people let the little thing go – without comment.
There is a certain tendency for critical persons to gain a bit of boldness when they achieve a little familiarity with another person.
Often partners and friends are directly critical of the way in which another person walks, talks, dresses, and so forth. If the critic is challenged, or if irritation is expressed, then the critic becomes defensive. “I was only telling you for your own good.” It is more likely that the criticism is a form of veiled hostility.
2) Pay compliments often
Be genuine about giving compliments. ..Sincerely look for something in the other person that you actually admire, and then give it verbal expression.
Examples:
“Thanks for letting me read your poem. It really touched my heart. I wish I could express myself in this way. It’s a real talent, one that you should cherish.”
“Your son Bill is a very warm and polite young man. It just does my heart good to talk to him for even a few minutes.”
If a natural compliment comes to your lips, don’t hold it back. Let the other person know how you feel.
Don’t confuse giving a compliment with flattery. A compliment is genuine and flattery is not.
Often we hold back a compliment, fearing that it will be misinterpreted as flattery. However, if the compliment is an honest one, and if we keep to specific facts, it will almost certainly be received in the spirit in which it was given.
3) Active listening
State the emotional content of the other person’s message
Let’s say Nelson is telling a story about how his father did something to him that was quite unfair and arbitrary. At the end of the story, assuming the comment fits, say “I hear a lot of anger in your voice.” If you are satisfied that this is obviously correct, this will be perceived by Nelson as a very satisfying comment.
In general, the big three emotional states tend to be anger, anxiety and worry. If you decode the verbal content of other people’s remarks, you can offer a comment that reveals you understand their emotional state.
4) Being authentic
Be rewarding to others, but not excessively so
..If you are excessively rewarding to another person with little or no cost to that individual, you are likely to eventually be taken for granted. You may even end up getting used and abused.
So you want to introduce a note of authenticity. ..Don’t give compliments or smiles or other psychological rewards if you don’t think they are merited by other person.