Book Review: Conquer Loneliness (When Male Meets Female)
A page in the diary "Accept, Adapt and Appreciate: How?"
Written by nw4m Jan 16 2008 01:42 PM
When Male Meets Female
Strategy(ies) for nurturing a relationship:
I listed only one here for brevity.
1) Avoid idealisation.
General pattern of failed relationships
1st phase of a relationship: Idealisation
Examples of statements that reflect idealisation:
1. He/she’s wonderful! Just the greatest guy/gal I’ve ever met.
2. He/she’s so good looking. He could be a movie star.
3. He/she’s just wonderful with children. He/she would make a great father/mother.
The tendency to idealise is very strong. What are the reasons?
1. We are subconsciously programmed to do from early childhood
Fairy tales like “Snow White” and “Cinderella” suggest that all of our problems will be solved when we meet the right person. And the right person will be perfect for us.
2. The human mind has a natural tendency to make projections
We automatically impose our needs and wishes on a person who might be able to fulfil them. The person is not seen as he or she really is, but as we want him or her to be.
Projection induces us to form unrealistic expectations about the other person.
3. We want the best for ourselves
We hope. And this hope gets translated into an idealisation about this person. You begin to think that for sure this time you’ve met Mr Right or Ms. Perfect.
The 2nd phase of a relationship: Frustration
However, when the other individual fails to live up to the unrealistic expectations that you have imposed on him or her, you feel frustrated. You see this as the other person’s fault. You may not analyse the situation and see that the other individual never made a contract to act the way you wanted him/her to act. You feel blocked. The relationship begins to get rocky.
Final phase: Demoralisation
You have lost all hope. You and the other person have finally broken off. He or she was no good at all. It was all a big mistake. You feel spiritless and helpless. You wonder if you will ever able to establish a long-term affectionate relationship with anybody. This phase can last quite a long time. And during this time you are very lonely.
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nw4m says: So for those seeking or are in a love relationship, do take care, ok? Love sincerely or honestly by all means, but remember to observe carefully as well.