The question was submitted
07/14/2008
Subject: Trauma in life
I am a 20 year old girl and I feel that my life is going nowhere.Nothing is going well.Ever since i was in primary one,I have lost confidence in talking to people subconsciously.
My form teacher at that time had rediculed me infront of the class that I spoke too softly and shouted at me to speak up and I remembered crying in the toilet after that.From that day onwards,I kept thinking there's some problems with me and dared not participate in class for fear I would get targetted again. This teacher had an impact on me as I didn't feel happy in school. When I was in primary 5,my grandma had a serious stroke one day and I witnessed it. Relatives blamed me for causing my grandma's stroke as my sister and I were the only ones at home. The truth is, my grandma was overweight and had a record of having high blood pressure for many years yet my grandpa being a stingy person, would not take her to see the doctor for her medication.
It had been ten years and I am really sick of it seeing my once healthy grandma being paralysed and my grandpa who used to go out frequently with her no longer had a companion and became lonely. My grandpa pushed the blame of the fate of my grandpa to the four of us(my parents and me and my sister) and my dad had to give $750 monthly allowance to him while my 80 year old grandpa dabbled in investing shares with his daughtor, my aunt who only had to give him $200. My grandpa used the money for his own purposes and the money was meant for our meals.My aunt had 4 daughtors and I was jealous of them as they had never experienced what is real loneliness, the breaking up of a family n went on with their academic persuits without having to worry about their family while I had to battle my problems emotionally.I never want to feel this way but for the past ten years, this is exactly my life with no friends whom I can confide in and my parents busy with work to pay my grandma's hefty bills, my grandpa's monthly allowance, my maid whom we employed to take care of my grandma and so on. My sister and I had some problems with our studies and as much as we needed tuition, my dad could not afford to pay for it.My maid had been with us for ten years. My dad worked as a cab driver and my mum as a cashier and their pay were not even enough to give my grandpa his monthly alloance to play shares with my aunt who long forgot she had a mother. I think he's trying to force us to a corner. If this goes on, I might just die.
My report book was always commenting that I was a shy and quiet person and I hated that because I longed to break away from my shell but I had no friends. In primary six,I was bullied by the guys in my class and my confidence dropped.I vowed to enter a girls school so I did and life became worse. My good performance in studies slipped.I had no friends in class as noone would really talk to me. Some teachers thought I was weird and a loner. I remembered seeing a counsellor and even she thought i was weird as she said I should just open up. The only subject I was ever good in was the arts,towards language and literature.My teachers encouraged me to go to college as they were certain I would do well. However, I was afraid the same thing would happen again with no friends. I know I'm foolish but noone would understand the feeling of having no friends and feeling like you're rejected by everyone else so I chose the polytechnic life.
I got into my fifth choice which is chemical engineering. I didn't know what I'm getting myself into as the subjects I took in 'o' levels were not favourable to the course.From the first semester onwards,I did not perform well. My confidence truly diminished at this stage of my life. At least in sec. school,I excelled in something. In my course,I was doing badly not to mention, I got misunderstood by the bitchy girls in my class who even started a hate blog for me just because she disliked me for the person I am. During my poly life, I experimented with my appearance by changing hairstyles frequently with the money I earned from holiday job. I didn't know the changing of my hairstyles would lead them to assume "she is so rich" To know that someone hated you so much to start a blog and badmouth you was the worst feeling in this world.I really honestly treated them as friends and I even thought life was starting to turn out better with them having lunch together or taking the train back home. I didn't know they really disliked me. This is a big setback to me. I'm not performing well in school and have no friends. Initially, I was really cheerful and looked forward to school. They said I was easygoing and nice but whats the point of being nice when all I get is to be bullied. As a result, I transformed back to my old self..the reserved,the quiet and the soft spoken girl I was.
When I returned home, my grandpa and dad quarreled over money issues again. I'm not emotionally strong or as tough as others who didn't give a care as to whether people liked them but I'm not them.I had already given up on myself. I failed the engineering maths module during the second year so I'm here now,last semester in poly and all other classmates had all graduated. I really think I'm stupid. With no motivation in life, I dont know how I'm going to carry on with my career. My grades were just passable and my dad was always saying,"your classmates graduated long time ago,you are still in poly." or 'you are so old already and don't expect me to support you.' Sometimes he said this before I'm on my way to school and I ended up feeling so hurt that I skipped class and took a bus journey aimlessly till the time was right to go home. I know I could ignore my dad but he was the one I respected at home and his opinion meant to me.
When I called my friend to tell him my problems, he said my problems were not that bad as compared to him who has a face full of pimples and coudln't find a girlfriend.I don't understand why everyone says that.Its as if my life doens't matter to anyone at all and I am insignificant. Because of past rejections and some lecturers said I am slow, I don't know how to deal with myself anymore.I just hate myself,for not being as good to others. I'm not happy in school,much less at home. My grandpa pressed my dad for payment like a loanshark everyday and they quarelled for hours while my aunt only came our house to visit them monthly. My grandparents ironically praised my aunt,saying she was a capable woman with four daughtors and the fact that she used to work in a bank while my dad was just a cab driver. Their faces would lit with happiness whenever my aunt and uncle came. My grandpa even wanted my dad to sell the house we're staying now.Its a serious problem and he even had the letter ready. If my dad signed the papers,the house would be sold and we would all be sleeping on the streets.
I think my life is really ruined. I see my old acquaintances have an enriching and happy childhood and teen years while my years are spent feeling sorry for myself. They have achieved something while I'm still stuck in my course for being a slow learner. I'm on the verge of commiting suicide and I will but whenever I think of my funeral expenses and that my parents will have no means to pay, I think I'm selfish.. but life is really meaningless for me
Answer from DepNet
Dear “Trauma in life”
We hope that writing to Depnet has eased your pain a little. It’s good that you realised, at age 20, that you’ve spent your childhood & teen years feeling sorry for yourself. So let’s look at what can be done.
As you’ve experienced, life is made up of things within & beyond our control. As you rightly pointed out, if your grandma had exercised, kept fit, consult doc & take appropriate medicine, & if your grandpa had been willing to spend $$ for her treatment, the stroke could have been prevented.
What other people say, think, react & behave are often beyond our control (eg. teacher’s uncalled for remarks, grandpa’s & classmates’ wrong accusations.) Feeling sorry for yourself didn’t seem helpful in improving the situation –> “given up on yrself .. think your life ruined”. How does comparing yourself with others help? How does blaming others help (eg. grandpa blaming your family)? If not, what could help?
You’ve mentioned several times about changes & transformation. How were you like when you did not behave shy & quiet? It’s curious how you managed to change back & forth – good performance, doing well vs a slow learner. Suppose, if the switch was for a very short time & activities that helped you to make friends & give good performances continued to be done … how different could the results have been? Would that have helped you to feel stronger & happier?
Your dad is facing quite a number of challenges too. Yet, he continues to do his best to provide for all his dependents in spite of being unappreciated by his father & compared unfavourably with his sister. Have your dad ever talked about what drives him to work so hard? You might have been angry & wished that he didn’t try so hard to meet your grandparents’ demands. Yet, would you have respected him as much if he had allowed himself to be affected by others & become careless in carrying out his responsibilities?
So, besides respecting him, how else can your dad be an inspiration for you? Would learning to make good decisions, enhancing traits & life-skills be beneficial in supporting you through difficulties as well as enriching your years from now on?
Regards,
Depnet
The answer was published on DepNet
07/23/2008