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The question was submitted 08/10/2008

Subject: Favoritism among children in the family.

Is favoritism among children considered a big issue? Or is it a very small issue, so small that it is seldom discussed? I only have a twin sister whom I loved more than myself. But I think my mother obviously favouring my sister more, througout my entire life, is going to kill me eventually! Frankly speaking, favoritism among children is my main problem which had caused me to have depression and to have attempted suicide once. I believe my case of favoritism among children in my family is different from the other families which might also have this problem. This is because my mother is also suffering from mental illness. I'm really so tired of my life being this way.

Answer from DepNet

Dear “Favoritism among children in the family”,

Favouritism can be a serious issue. As you’ve experienced, any parent’s actions that show obvious favouritism for a particular child may often hurt other children in the family.

It can be heartbreaking for some to feel that they meant less to their parents than the favoured sibling. Yet, in spite of the unfair treatment, you still love your sister more than yourself. How come she is so well-loved by both of you? Also, we are impressed by your ability to take your twin on her own merit & not allowed yourself to be influenced negatively by your mother’s favouritism.

Parenting is not easy & is even more complicating when a parent has to cope with serious on-going conditions, eg. mental illness (MI). How so does her having MI makes her favouritism towards your twin different from favouritism in other families? More importantly, what is the relationship between her having MI & your response to her favouritism? Also, how about your mother’s response to your depression (MI)?

Besides the above, you may wish to consider your family’s perception of & response to your behaviours (suicide attempt & likely depressive comments). Suppose the person who is already struggling with her own problems were to choose, the person could tend to be nicer to the one who is “easier” to handle.

Yes, it can be tiring being this way -- so what do you want for yourself that is achievable? For your mother to apologise & start treating you both fairly? Or that she favours you instead of your twin? Are these things within your control?

Or you can choose something within your control. That is, we can choose to live with the unfair treatment. We don’t have to like or accept it. We can learn to cope better & overcome the pain. & yes, become stronger & live well. We can choose to improve our relationship with our parents even when they continue to show favouritism towards our siblings. You want to be valued; you can choose to do things that help you to value yourself more. Your family’s appreciation of your added value can be the icing on your cake.

Regards,

Depnet

The answer was published on DepNet 08/21/2008