The question was submitted
08/13/2008
Subject: The depths of grief and depression
It's been 6 months now since cancer took my father away from me. It still feels like it's just happened yesterday. The pain still stings as much - both in terms of frequency & intensity. I was strongly encouraged to take a break - go abroad to complete my graduate studies/or just take a long holiday. There was so much around me that reminds me of my dad and I felt suffocated. So a decision was made for me to complete my final 3 months of study abroad which I had to suspend 2 years ago due to both my dad's & my medical problems.
So, here I am, thousands of miles from home, trying to finish my academic work. Has it be easy? No. It is true that I have a lot more space (both physical & relational) to myself and I appreciate that. On the other hand, I've returned to this country with a different set of emotions and expectations, than say, 3 years ago. I was excited before but now, I'm just exhausted (both physically and mentally); I was enthusiastic about life then but now I'm struggling to survive another day.
In all fairness, I'm probably physically in a better place. I need the space. I need the calming pace of life.
But even here, the sting of grief and depression still inflicts as deep a pain as they did before. I knew depression is a bottomless pit; I just didn't know the depth of grief (a different creature) is also just as immeasurable.
So, it's been 6 months. It feels like yesterday. It feels like I haven't moved on one bit. Will I ever?
Hannah
Answer from DepNet
Dear Hannah,
So here you are, thousands of miles from home & 6 months later. Though it was others decision (must be difficult for those who cared enough for you to suggest it – were they family members?) & not easy for you, yet you agreed & are there now. & the process has somehow helped you to realise that you do appreciate the increased physical & relational space.
Yes, much has occurred in the past 3 years; it’s natural to be exhausted both physically and mentally. Besides being 3 years older, you’re also learning one of life’s painful lessons which everyone struggles with. Like the graduate academic work that you’re doing, it takes time (6 months) & effort (deciding, planning, travelling, moving). Somehow you’ve survived 6 months of immeasurable grief to feel that physically you are in a better place in the bottomless pit of depression.
It may feel like yesterday, tis not yesterday. For each day that we went through, we’ve moved one day away from that ‘yesterday’. How often does the sting of grief & depression entwine with feelings of “it’s yesterday again” & feelings that you’ve not moved on one bit? What needs to happen could allow more of yesterday to remain yesterday or live more of today as today?
Beginning from the much needed space & calming pace of life, you’ve allowed the process to help your healing … starting from physical, allowing your mind to rest or focus on doing something different, doing what needs doing … gradually emerging a stronger person whom your father is already proud of.
Regards,
depnet
The answer was published on DepNet
08/29/2008