The question was submitted
08/22/2008
Subject: How can I go on?
I'm starting to hate my life, alot...
I'm neither too young nor too old, though looking at my 18 year old brother and his gf makes me feel like an oldie.
Now that Dad is in a home and out of sight we have much less physical stress (of him falling down, waking up from nightmares, wetting himself, eccentric behavior, quarrels, being suicidal etc) but comes the hefty bills from the home, which is to be paid by me and my elde brother. Because my Bro just finished his degree and the job market's terrible now, he holds a temp job and so I have to pay 2/3 of the bills. I'm just a diploma holder with an average pay (sad to say I'm still earning peanuts after leaving school for close to 5 years).
Dad has been a 'fatherly figure', throwing his weight around and I've been fearful of him since I was a little girl. He also said that I, the daughter, brought bad luck to him and hence his triple business failures. Aside from business failues hefty debts, he hadvery very bad health since he was a young man, because of his poor eating habits. He had his first stroke at 47... and multiple health attacks along the way. Now at 57, he has hit the max, bedridden, paralysed and doesn't recognise us anymore. Still I can't open up to him because our relations have been ruined all these years... and I can only try to do my part as a daughter.
I know comparing makes one feel worst but I cannot help but to see how my peers have 'advanced' - those who have been stable are married with kids, they have their own house, a good job etc. Most of my peers have a degree but I cannot afford to have one. I look at the time I've graduated to now - I've never held a job for more than 2 years, I have no savings, I have a horrible social life and I have no additional skills. Because of these I find it is hard to get far in my career because everywhere people ask for degrees, skills etc... I'm more the arty farty and words and music (piano) kind of girl but how do I venture to that in Singapore? A fellow Primary school mate who was just like is now more successful than me and she pursues all her interests in art and music. Maybe I'm just not as determined as she is.
I tried to at least keep my interests in a form of hobbies, like learning the piano (I learnt when I was a kid but stopped because the adults then had some 'issues' with my aunty who was teaching me) again at my own cost. But lately the bills from my Dad's saga forced me to give up my interest because I have since taken up a weekend job and I work 7 days a week now. The job is not taxing at all and the people there are nice to me and I know I should hang on just to earn abit more money, but now I have to sacrifice all my time and I feel lifeless and simply upset.
Money is an issue and without money nothing can be achieved. I work in a good company in town but in a field I'm experienced in but till today I still wonder if it's what I want to do. In school I chose a course because I didn't know what to choose, and now in working I'm doing something I think and what people think I'm good at, but if I feel this way then do I really want to stay in this field? My pay is pathetic too and like I've mentioned I have no savings and it just worries me.
Girls at my age doll up and have a fabulously fun life but mine is just a drag. I have not much money to add sparks in my life and I'm already losing interest in dressing up nicely. I no longer care so much about looking nice, what's the point? I start everyday with a long sigh. Just have no motivation anymore.
Back at home everyone is plain lazy and I have to do all the chores. My Bf tells me that I can choose not to do but I still, not because I care for them but because I cannot stand dirt and untidiness at all. And in the recent years I've gotten worst and I cannot tolerate a little bit of dirt. Yet they just don't appreciate. I mop and they walk about leaving dirty prints. I clean with all my might today and tomorrow its just a big mess all over again... my younger brother is so pampered and he doesn't have to do the chores and doesn't have to earn his own $$$ too. My Mum doesn't make much but pampers him like hell, saying that he is young. But when I was 16 I started working after my O Levels during vacation, anyone said I was young? Poly days I had to work after school and on weekends just to earn my own textbook money and allowance... who said I was young?
I'm doing ALL the washing and chores, at least one hour EVERYDAY. I've done so since I was a young girl because in my household its very biased, and girls have to be the one doing all the work. My peers have nice manicured nails but me? I try so hard to grow them but all the harsh cleaning agents on my hands over the ten years have made it immposible... As the saying goes, start doing it and it becomes your job... I can't believe how they can not care and just take me for granted. I've tried not doing and they really will not care as well, the dirty clothes will pile, the stove will be dirty and the floors... filled with dirt and hair... I can't believe it.
Basically I'm not happy with work, my finances, my Bf, my family and every single thing. Family sucks - broken ties, disputes and alot of bad history and now my family is not even united. I miss the gatherings... My appearance sucks too... my skin is bad, my nail, my hair, my teeth everything just sucks. I wish I could just pack my bags and go but I have no $$$. I'm just trapped. I've tried to kill myself so many times but if I don't 'die properly', won't I become a burden? But I live everyday feeling depressed, tired, moody, jealous and envious of others and I've lost all hope and I can't see my future anymore...
Please tell me what I can do to get out of this situation. I'm so tired of this. Today is Friday and I have nothing to look forward to, I'm still working in the weekends and Monday it is back to work...
My life may not be as bad as some others (disabled, disease stricken) but I simply don't know how to be contented and look forward and live my life happily. IT is always easier said than done. As much as I try to stay positive, I can't...
Answer from DepNet
Dear “How can I go on?”
Thank you for writing to Depnet. We hope that it’d helped in clarifying your thoughts.
It appeared that you’ve done a lot, much more than can be expected when compared to your other siblings. When did you learn to be so responsible? You’ve managed to survive so many challenges all these years & the strain is showing more.
So how? It may be useful to just take a step back, relook & rethink. We all have a “comfort zone”. For instance, you are stressed in having to do so much for your family in so many ways, but so used to doing it that doing something different is difficult. Your siblings may feel uneasy that they are not pulling their weight, but it’s easier to let others continue carrying the load rather than putting in effort to do more.
Right now, decide & act on it – how much do you really want that degree & give yourself opportunities for different type of work, higher pay & more satisfying life? Really very very much? Enough to overcome family disagreements? Enough to push yourself to learn & do different things? Michael Phelps spent xx hours of practice a day for xx years to win all those golds. Enough to fight for it through your actions?
For a start, stop yourself from spending more resources (time, $) on your family. Allow your siblings the opportunities to behave & feel more responsible. Allow yourself to start taking baby steps to reduce your level of contribution to something more equitable with that of your siblings (your level may still be higher than theirs, but lower than now). Allow yourself to start taking baby steps towards your goals.
It will be not be easy; however, you are used to overcoming challenges. Certain issues need to be resolved, eg. guilt, resistance, while slowly doing more things for your goals. A bearable family-work-study balance is doable. When do you want to implement your plan on winning your personal Olympic gold?
Regards,
Depnet
The answer was published on DepNet
09/30/2008