The question was submitted
10/15/2008
Subject: PARENTING GUIDE
Hope someone out there can help me as I am really really in s spot now.
Two years ago, I went thru a really bad depression to to my hubby affair with a woman half of his age. The affair went on for two years before I discovered it. Since then he had broke off with the woman and slowly my life is getting back to normal. In fact , I have stop going to the diaries to write down my thoughts for a few mths already.
But now, it seem that I am starting to feel depressed again not due to my huuby but to my 16yr old son.
His school has assigned a young female married teacher with a kid to be his mentor due to his bad grades and everything seem fine as he has slowly improved on his grades but it was only last week that I discovered that his so-called mentor is "seducing him" with all the lovely notes of encourgament and even took some pics with my son together. I also found sms with many intimate stuff in it which make me feel very uncomfortable. I tried talking to my son to find out more on his mentor and told him abt my worries but he told me to trust him as he will not want the mentor kid to go thru what he had went thru.
I feel that the teacher who is in her late twenties shd be more mutured enough not to be so close with her student at all.
My son has also started to change and I am so so afraid that he may be seduced by his mentor as she is a very sexy teacher.
What can I do to stop this relationship from going any further without disrupting my son cos in another few more days he will be sitting for his O level.
I wanted to call up the mentor and talk to her but was advised by my family member to wait till his O level is over cos they are afraid that he may lose his interest in his O level. Now he n his mentor meet everyday in school even though he has no need to go to school for one week before the O level start.
Please help me as I am so so afraid that I may do something to hurt my son cos I even have thoughts of killing him and then myself to spare all these from happeing again. In fact, I have started to put the blame by blaming him that if he will to be faithful to me in the first place, our son will not follow his example.
Answer from DepNet
Hi,
Sounds to me that your depression is triggered whenever you meet with difficult situations, the first being your husband's affairs and now you are depressed again because you suspect your son may be having affairs with his mentor.
From what you have shared in your letter, I think it is important to look at the whole situation objectively. People who are depressed tend to focus on the negative aspects and overlook any positive aspects. Sometimes their perceptions can be obscured because they tend to make projections and worry about how bad the situation may become when it has not happened yet. As a neutral third party, I feel that there is something you should be happy about, that is your son's grades have improved and he seems more motivated about his studies after being encouraged by this teacher mentor. As for your suspicion that he may be in love with his teacher mentor, I think it is best for you not to make any conclusions without finding out more information. I am concerned that due to your unhappy encounter with your husband's affairs, you may be projecting your fears to your son this time round because you are overly worried that history will repeat itself.
I agree that you should wait till your son's O'levels are over so as not to distract him. Thereafter you may want to speak with the principal to voice your concerns over the teacher and have the principal arrange a meeting for all including your son and the teacher to talk things out objectively and amicably.
Till the meeting, stay objective and don't form any conclusions yet to be fair to your son. You must remember that he is not your husband. You shouldn't project your husband's 'wrongdoings' onto him.
All the best and take care of your mental health and try not to let difficult situations in life get you down. I always believe, where there's life, there's a way. Nothing beats having a healthy mind and body,
Regards
Rachel Goh
The answer was published on DepNet
10/24/2008