The question was submitted
10/16/2008
Subject: Grief, depression, insomnia - which of these the greater evil? Rid of one, rid of all?
Hi,
I've just returned home from a 3-month academic trip abroad. I had hope the trip (which allowed me to dabble in something different from what I've been doing the last 2 years) would be beneficial to me, and that I'll come back feeling refreshed, uplifted.
Far from that, it turned into a bit of a nightmare. Things started going wrong the day I arrived in the foreign country and soon after the pressure on me to get my academic work done became too overwhelming and thoughts of suicide entered my mind. My college officers were so worried I was referred to the local authority's mental health crisis team. Was strongly advised to suspend my academic work. By then, I wasn't able to get out of bed, let alone work so I relented. It was a hard decision to make. And now I feel useless; weak; and beyond help. Wish my father is here to tell me it's ok. It's not ok.
I brought forward my return flight because I've been exhausted, unable to look after myself.
The pain that hits me whenever someone reminds me my father is gone seems unbearable. The pain of struggling with depression - I can't even begin to describe it. The exhaustion my insomnia brings to my body is overwhelming.
But the pain of this: DESPAIR - knowing I've tried very hard to help myself get better but instead of that, I'm in a much worse place right now. Have I reached the end of the road?
Grief, depression, insomnia - are they partners-in-crime or are do they work alone? Will I be rid of 3 when I get rid of one?
Will I ever get there?
I'm now back in town and how do I feel? Awful. I left this place in search for a break. I came back here because I wanted a break. I haven't found that resting place. Maybe I never will.
Hannah
Answer from DepNet
Dear Hannah
It must be shattering & demoralizing to have tried your very best & end up in a much worse place right now.
Rest can be a tricky destination when our minds are unquiet. It seems that part of you is still in deep mourning over the passing of your father. Depression & insomnia may occur in the process of grieving. So they appear to be partners in crime in your situation. Generally, when one learns to better manage one, others may slowly follow suit.
Especially because of grief, it’s even more important to know & recognise the negative thought patterns of depression: constant focus on unhelpful experiences / events to the exclusion of everything else. Previously, though the grief is still intense, you seemed able to benefit from the much needed “space & calming pace of life”.
Besides the overwhelming academic pressure, what else changed that brief respite to perception that “things started going wrong the day I arrived”. Thoughts such as “I feel useless; weak; and beyond help… I haven't found that resting place. Maybe I never will” are also prime examples of depressive thoughts that often result in more insomnia & depression.
Part of the process in finding that particular resting place is overcoming despair. A slow torturous process of being in pain yet forcing ourselves to focus, think & act in useful ways, every situation, every day. For instance, what helped create that brief space of calm overseas? Understand how your father’s “ok” make the situation feel ok even when it’s not ok? Also, the process may involve setting specific time for grieving activities (sharing memories with others who know him or a professional specializing in grief – SOS). Hang tight & eventually you'll reach your resting place .
Regards,
Depnet
The answer was published on DepNet
10/28/2008