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A very vicious cycle
A page in the diary "A Vicious Cycle"
Written by Seialeir 27 February 2010 02:52
Today I had a chat with a friend who used to be very close. Some months back, I noticed a conscious effort for her to distance herself away, and admittedly it hurt alot. I guessed her anger stems from a particular project we were working on in the office, where I probably failed my boss and colleagues in many ways due to my inability to give the project due diligence and effort. When this project came about, it was right after my mother slashed her wrist in an attempted suicide. That unfortunate event came about because there were several domestic problems at home and many words exchanged were barbed to inflict hurt. I know I said some things that instigated a huge row between a sibling and myself, which resulted in me being physically beaten. My father screamed that it will be better if I were dead, and that he wants to kill me while landing blows. The police came round and he told them the same thing. When the written statement came round, he left that out of course. Admittedly, I fought back in a less than appropriate manner, and have paid for it since, everyday, every waking moment. Amidst the police, the hospital, medication, the social welfare and psychiatric help needed for my mother, I probably didn't realise I was sinking lower and lower in my opinion of myself and everything I was doing. When I was assigned the project soon after, I didn't have any heart left to bother with anything outside what was happening to me. I was sad. I still am.
I received harsh criticism from colleagues and it made me feel even worse. I tried blocking it out, but I was irritable, ill tempered, sad and lonely so it didn't get me very far. I get into moods when the negativity overwhelms me and sometimes I thought I'll never be able to stop crying. I had thought my good friend who was also in the project to be understanding of my predicament, but the conversation today threw all that off. I cannot blame her for being work conscious, she is responsible like that. But what upset me were the words that she wasn't comfortable being associated with me when it came to work and believed I wasn't helping myself when she didn't talk to me for months and barely understood what was really going on in my head. And it wasn't work like she said, because she didn't talk to me too even outside of it. I was told a lot of colleagues are criticizing me and as much as she doesn't want to participate, she cannot help but agree.
I wanted to die, I wanted more than anything to be happy, to perform at work, to be what I used to be but better. I really really do. It upsets me more than anything that I find it hard to achieve what I so easily achieved before. The disappointment is reflected in the faces of everyone I know. I am a failure.
I have troubled sleep, I sleep at 11, wake at 1, then am awake till 6 before sleeping again. I wake up more tired than before, I turn up at work late and I cannot focus. I am contemplating resignation because I feel I've let down the company. I want to leave because it has become a hostile environment for me. And while I used to be good at some things, I am terrible at everything now.
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