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my mum. or is she ever?

A page in the diary "lifeless, meaningless"
Written by celia 04 July 2009 11:12

mum went to meet 2nd sis and the lawyers, to do her will. She's due for an op in mid-july and she thinks she will not walk out alive.

Anyway, I thought nothing of it and the day went by. Hubby was in the room with the kids, putting them to bed. I'm outside watching TV, when she came back. She din put down her stuff or change out, as what she normally does first; instead, she sat down beside me, searched thru her bag and whipped out the will.

She asked me to check whether the names or ic are written correctly.. blah blah blah... until I saw something.

I thought... well, how I thought, that evrything is ok now, that bad feelings are gone, that she will not... but how wrong am i. And there it was, under the heading, "Executioner and trustees of will", bears the name of my 2 younger sis ONLY.

I froze. I speed read it again.. again and again... I was dumbfounded. I knew things are bad, but this bad? I cldn't comprehend, I really cldn't believe it. Just the thought of the exclusion of my name under that heading, cuts right thru my heart and you juz left the knife there... my heart wldn't stop bleeding, or has it ever stop at all？

What am i in your eyes? Or was I ever there at all?

I don't think so. Pple kept telling me, " Aiya, don't be silly la. Where got mummy give birth to own children don't love them wan?", "if she doesn't love you, why wld she give birth to you?

Riiiiiiite... whatever they said, my heart knew only too well. whatever i've did, done or am doing, is always not right and enough for you, ma. I don't ask to be born... you had me thru shot-gun, you don't blame me for it. You tot you can change your husband's characters coz you both had a child but he din, I can't be blame for that. In the past, i'm naive enough to try to please you in ways i cld think of, coz i tot that there must be something that i din do well enough, thats why you always ignore or compare me with my 2 younger sis, but nothing will ever work or is good enough in your hateful eyes towards me.

Its only when I'm a mum myself, that i learn from my kids: one single, simple and yet ignorant by many, this beautiful substance called unconditional love.

Ma, no matter what pple tell me, I know best. I don't hate or dislike you... You are my mum afterall... you've been thru 9 mths of hell for me, hell hours of labour, hell when your husband that YOU HAVE CHOSEN YOURSELF, gave you hell. But don't you know that this is what every mother will have to go thru, and that nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that you have done for me, is oh so that great afterall, coz all that you have done, I've been thru them. And the fact that I could do it better than you, despite how you have treated me all these years, I'm still doing a better job than you.

I've simply have no respect for you, anymore.

Comments from the community

this is really sad and hard to read. i think it sucks your mom exclude you. don't dwell too much into it k , i am sure you are made strong for this and be able to overcome whatever challenges ahead

take care

Written by Anonymous, 04 July 2009 14:22

sad to read this. bothered that your mum din give u any money and u din even cared about her op. Anyway u dont need to depend on her so why bother about the money.

Written by Anonymous, 04 July 2009 18:04

You are merely not being made the administrix of her estate but you are certainly one of the beneficiaries, aren't you?

Written by Anonymous, 04 July 2009 18:52

Sorry for the typographical error - the word "administrix" should be substituted by "administratrix".

Written by Anonymous, 04 July 2009 18:54

I believe the term is actually "executrix" as an "administratrix" is court-appointed.

I am in no position to judge, especially seeing as how I don't know your personal situation.
However, speaking broadly, I know of parents who have appointed only certain children (or child) executor(s) to carry out the administration of their wills.
This is different and separate from the beneficiaries named.

The reason presented (and it has appeared sincere) has been that they are actually looking out for the interests of all, in the sense that they appoint the persons whom they believe will carry out the administration according to how they wish it to be.

At times, they have chosen not to appoint a family member with mental health issues not because they discriminate against that individual but because they are concerned that a tragic life event, such as a death in the family, could be overwhelming for the individual and do not want extra burdens placed on that individual during a time of family tragedy.
Also, practically-speaking, such traumatic life events do sometimes trigger the onset of a depressive episode and this may lead to impaired judgment.

Once again, this has been my experience with other families and I am not implying that it necessarily applies in your case.

I hope you are feeling better.

Written by hypomaniac, 05 July 2009 02:31

Hi celia,

From this post, I can feel how your mother's attitude towards you since childhood has affected you till this day. It hasn't been easy for you.

On the other hand, I agree with hypomaniac on the rationale of excluding certain family members from being executors or administrators of a will. The reasons might be what hypomaniac has suggested, but as outsiders, we won't know for sure.

I can feel you are hurting now. However, I'm glad to know you are able to give unconditional love to your own children. We as children, might not be able to change how our parents feel or treat ourself, but we can certainly change the way we treat our own children.

If your children are brought up in an family environment that balances unconditional with proper moral discipline, your children will become adults with strong self-esteem and full of love for others around them.

I wish your mom all the best for her coming operation.

All of us are here to listen to you. So feel free to share what you think or feel at any time, at your own comfort level.

Take care, celia. =)

Written by nw4m, 05 July 2009 15:55

I love my mother. My having depression changed the way my whole family functioned and regarded each other. I remember lashing out at my parents viciously, using my gifts of reason and logic in hurtful, spiteful ways. Even through those turbulent years, they stuck with me, each parent doing their personal best. For my dad, he wasnt really good with words, didt really know how to show love. He provided for our basic needs, but was awkward, and often, quite blur. During my teenage years, i often felt embarrased by him. Thus it was that, during my depression years, he didt really do much, it was as if he didt care, just going on with his daily duities. It was only later that i found out that he would ask my mom how i was and what i did every night in their room, that he worked longer so that my mom could take off and attend to me, that he worked harder so that they could send me to a psychiatrist. I realised that parenting is a tagteam responsibility, it might seem that one person is doing all the work ( spending more time with you, taking you to the doctor, going out tgt ) while the other person is taking a back seat. But the truth is, bills still need to be paid, responsibilities have to be fulfilled, sibilings need to be fed and clothed. If one parent takes more care of you, the other has to cover his/her duties.

I do not know if this is helpful, or even relevant, to you, but i just want to say--when you are faced with the fact of your mortality, you will worry about the ones you love. It is obvious that she often comes to you with important issues, like consulting you about the particulars on her will. This shows that she trusts you. With the fear of death top most on her mind, she approached you to allay her fears and to ensure that everything is alright, even ignoring her personal comforts.

This is but my feelings. However i think she relies on you, the Big Sister. If she does not love you, why show you the will at all? It must hurt, must hurt unbearably. But maybe there is a facet about this situation that she has not told you? Have a talk with her, sit down and tell her your feelings.

I might be naive in this, but i believe that she loves you.

Written by happin3ss, 06 July 2009 03:12

Heartfelt sharing by happin3ss. There may indeed be a side to our parents which we do not know about; and that side, if we come to know of it, we would know how much our parents love us even though we would have preferred it in ways that we could see and feel.

Written by nw4m, 06 July 2009 15:19

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