Read diary

I'm having a relapse now. Help

A page in the diary "My Ongoing Journey"
Written by hazel81 25 February 2010 17:40

Hi all,

I think the resurgence of old feelings is causing me to have a relapse- with strong symptoms, unlike my minor ones which I manage to overcome from time to time with the help of positive thinking, distractions, deep breathing and so on.

I want to do things to make myself feel better- but this time round, i'm experiencing somatisation. My muscles are aching all over, I feel extremely tired, and my body feels really heavy. I'm having stomach pains and chest pains. I feel dizzy when I stand up and the surroundings feel surreal.

I tried to distract myself with audio books and music while in bed- but-(this sounds strange even to me), I feel like my mind is creating an impenetrable invisible shield that is repelling everything. Then my fists would clench and I feel very tense and agitated. So what I did is I turn off everything, pull a blanket over me and get myself into a fetal position. It made me feel better. So that's why I'm able to type this now.

The twisted part of my mind right now is telling me not to express my feelings here, not to anyone, to leave myself alone but so far I manage to resist. That part of me seems adamant on changing all my positive thoughts to negative ones. Here how it goes: (positive thoughts in caps, negative ones not).

I'M SEEING MY PSYCHOLOGIST TOMORROW --- so what? it will be the last session, she's leaving you.

AT LEAST MY BOYFRIEND OF 8 YEARS TOOK A HALF DAY LEAVE JUST NOW TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER IN THE MORNING --- big deal. He can't be with you all the time and besides, stop bothering him with problems. He deserves someone better.

I SHOULD BE STRONG AND NOT LET THE RECENT INCIDENT WITH MY SIS BRING ME DOWN --- yeah right, look at your pathetic state now.

I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS --- no,I won't let that happen.

Sigh... I'm a tutor but because of my current state, I can't do my job today. Luckily I have stopped teaching in a school for the time being, thank god.

The thought of going out to make me feel better is rather overwhelming. I can't let my family know about the current state I'm in as they will pounce on the fact that I can't take care of myself and they will stop me from staying on my own (according to my psychologist, staying on my own is the best thing I did for myself so far).

Thanks for reading. Do give me suggestions. Sorry for the long post.

Comments from the community

Dear hazel,

U're not alone, ytd nite when am unable to fall asleep, suicidal thots came, bite myself hard on my arms, poked myself & cried a lot. This morn had appt with msw & almost got referred to A&E to see another pdoc as my pdoc is fully booked tdy when msw called my pdoc. I did drink rum before bedtime ytd...just now I even tried purging but failed..

MSW left me alone for few times when I needed as I cried continuosly. Same feelings as what u hvg but at least u had bf who cares for u. I've no r/s b4. It's disabling & my mother whose living with me is sort of controlling me still & I got damn feddup.

Tmr am gg to see NHC msw & neuro, I might not be able to be here then & during wkends...U do take care, hazel.
Sometimes, we do feel LEAVE ME ALONE feelings but somehow or rather gather ownself to post here. It's good at least to pour out rather than keep to ownself, ya? Huggies....If u really want, can ctc me if u want a listening ear via sms? Lemme knw, I'll email u my ctc then.

Written by Turquoise, 25 February 2010 17:58

Hi hazel,

I had just emailed u my ctc. Hope I can help u in a way or another. To relieve of ur tension & anxiety. Sometimes I oso wonder how come am still alive ya..:o)

Written by Turquoise, 25 February 2010 18:32

Hi hazel81,

I can relate to your feelings as described here. Similar feelings happen rather frequently within me, but I try to keep them from going out of control with various means taught by self-help books, advice from various people including mental health professionals.

You mentioned that the thought of going out to make yourself feel better is overwhelming. Where do you intend to go? What do you intend to do should you go out?

I feel glad and happy to know that a new depnet member like Turquoise is willing to reach out to you and be your listening ear.

And just in case you feel bad about troubling online friends at any other time, you can call or email SOS. They do respond to your calls and emails.

SOS - Samaritans of Singapore
Other services: 1. Face to Face counselling - For client in crisis including those facing grief or loss issues. 2. Online email counselling service

Tel: 1800-221 4444 (24 hours)
Email: pat@samaritans.org.sg
Web: www.samaritans.org.sg/index1.html

Btw, I think your bf's quite a considerate and caring person based on your description of his actions. It's true that he may not be able to be with you all the time, but what matters instead could be that he's willing to spend whatever amount of time he has outside of work to be with you. Don't you think? =)

I feel it's good that you are sharing your feelings with us here, hazel81. You are not alone. We are listening and we will continue to listen to you.

Take care, hazel81. =)

Written by nw4m, 26 February 2010 11:15

Hi hazel,

hope u feeling better. :o) ooh ya, I subscribe to m1 mobile bb oredi, hence right now am surfing, uploaing photos n fb.hehe

nw4m, yes, a listening ear is gd to relieve tension.

Written by Turquoise, 28 February 2010 01:14

Thanks for your encouragement guys. I really appreciate it.

Turquiose, thanks for being in touch with me :)

Nw4m, thanks for your ongoing kind words and advice. This community is really blessed to have someone like you who are always ready to listen, someone who expects nothing in return :)

Written by hazel81, 01 March 2010 00:35

In actual fact I'm nowhere near what you think I am. I'm not that selfless. It's just that I think this is the least I could do, as a human being.

Written by nw4m, 02 March 2010 10:29

Tip a friend