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I feel like running away

A page in the diary "ugly and rejected me"
Written by sadat 21 February 2010 23:40

Its a sunday evening. I am having fears about going back to work, facing the insurmountable stuff, and not being able to perform....and concentrate..
Im having stress , cant concentrae

Ive tried to be nice to everyone, my colleagues, my friend, the guys i used to be interested in. But none expressed concern for me..everyone just used and leave me in my lurch. Noone remembered me or miss me..in anyway...

I was using a towel and I thought of strangling myself with it. I WANT to end it altogether..I try to remain optmistic, hopeful and mentally strong..but it's not helping at all...I have tried and done my best yet everything is going downhill. Theres seem to be an invincible force driving me to my doom.....

I want to run away. Do i dare to jump to my death... No im afraid of pain and the gruesome image ... Do i dare to swallow 100 pills..no..i dont have courage to die that way.. I wanna die and escape, yet i have no courage to do it... Yet living is miserable..I am having more misery..

What should i do? i have lost my apetite, and interest in life and ability to perform at work.. I cant sleep..Theres too much stuff going through and into my head... Its overwhelming...

Help..i wanna reach out to ppl..but noone responded...

Comments from the community

Hi sadat,

I hear your cry for help.

Are there any close family member or friend you can approach to share your feelings with?

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? If you are, maybe you can ask for an earlier appointment.

Alternatively, you can call SOS hotline or email them.

SOS - Samaritans of Singapore
Other services: 1. Face to Face counselling - For client in crisis including those facing grief or loss issues. 2. Online email counselling service

Tel: 1800-221 4444 (24 hours)
Email: pat@samaritans.org.sg
Web: www.samaritans.org.sg/index1.html

I have tried both the email and telephone channel of SOS. They do respond.

Continue to update us on how you are feeling anytime you like.

We will be here to listen. You are not alone.

Take care, sadat.

Written by nw4m, 22 February 2010 00:24

Dear Sadat,

many of us on Depnet have been there - standing on the verandah, looking at the bottel of pills, staring at the knife, contemplating death. Even if you can find a tiny reason not to do it, hang on to that.

Remember that Clinical Depression has a way of affecting your interpretation of events. The chemical imbalance will drive you to think of the worst, even when there are plenty of positive things around. You're in the throes of depression, don't attempt to think yourself out of it. Get in touch with your psychiatrist and see if you can get some time off work to rest.

You can always express yourself here. There really are people here who will listen.

Written by outcast, 22 February 2010 20:32

Hi Sadat,

My heart goes to you dear friend. Yes, all of us here know exactly how you feel-many of us have been there. You're not alone- continue to express yourself here and we'll be listening.

The fact that you typed out this post shows that part of you still wants to hang on, that you still have self preservation, so hold on to that part. Get help as suggested by nw4m and outcast. You WILL get out of this bleak period when you seek help- though you have to be patient, follow through treatment as the recovery will not happen overnight.

There will be one day, you will be free of this (yes, that day WILL come-your mind may not be able to understand this now) and you'll look back at it and say, "Gosh, I'm glad I'm still alive-what was I thinking?" Trust me.

You need rest and it will help. Continue to reach out.

(P.S- Just want to share with you and the rest- I have tried that "100 pills" method. Not worth it. I almost died in ICU as my lungs failed. Now I have to live with the repurcussion of my lungs being prone to respiratory problems and unable to breathe properly when I run or when there's haze- really painful when that happens. Taking your life seems like an easy way out- but when you don't succeed- which is more than likely- you have face the consequences for the rest of your life. Really really not worth it.)

(Hugs)

Written by hazel81, 23 February 2010 12:03

Nice and wise personal sharing by hazel81, especially on the '100 pills' method. I have another female friend, who used to be a regular depnet member, tells me something similar about swallowing pills years ago when she was very depressed.

She said: "The after-feeling sucks so much that I don't ever want to try this again."

Written by nw4m, 23 February 2010 23:49

Tip a friend