It seems my soul left with my dad on that fateful day he left this mortal world.
They say time heal all wounds. It doesn't. Maybe time will teach a person to cope with the pain? - but some wounds never heal. At least not mine.
Sometimes I wish I can live in my dreams - those in which my dad lives on, as if cancer never happened, as if his death wasn't real. I can't, I wake up to a nightmare everyday - sometimes confused, often distraught.
You've encouraged me to talk/share memories about my dad with my family/friends. I can't do it. I tried, honestly. I went along to counselling sessions but I couldn't talk about my pain (and the sessions often turned into awkward situations). Whenever my family speaks of the good times they had with my dad, or browse through old family photo albums, I find myself retreating into my own private space.
I've never found it easy talking about my emotions. Instead, I'm an expert at hiding and camouflaging them. It's second nature to me. Why? I don't know - maybe you can shed some light on this? This particular forum is probably the only place I speak a bit more freely about my emotions, where I feel I can let my guard down a bit. I hope you don't mind my doing so.
Hannah
Dear Hannah
Thank you for writing to Depnet. We are glad to be a place where you feel able to speak more freely about your emotions. Perhaps expressing emotions through writing is easier for you talking. Yes, learning to respond differently takes time. We are glad that you allowed yourself to go through that process & learn more about yourself. While you were much aware of your difficulties, we wonder, when you managed to continue despite your difficulties.
It really requires lots of time, tons of practice & consistent refining of skills to become an expert. If hiding and camouflaging emotions is like a second nature, it just means that you’ve had a lot of practice & have allowed the hiding response to the auto-pilot in control. Having an ability to hide and camouflage emotions can be extremely useful in some situations. The question is: how would it help you to allow this auto-pilot to be in charge irrespective of situations? Ultimately, it’s still your decision whether you want to learn other ways of responding in different situations.
& it may be helpful to consider this: if you think that your wounds will never heal, it has a great chance of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy with selective perceptions.
& especially if it never heals, how much would you allow that wound to affect the rest of your life? Because, while our hearts hurt, do we want to allow our lives to be damaged as well?
Regards,
Depnet