First of all, "festive blues" is an oxymoron but I haven't found another phrase to describe it.
Am I the only depressed person who hates the festive season? I find my mood spiralling down again (just when I was starting to feel better). I tried helping myself by making myself busy with mundane stuff. I avoid the malls and try to occupy myself with stuff like bread-baking, etc.. I try to think positive thoughts. But it's hard fighting this battle in my head.
My dad's 1st death anniversary is just round the corner and my mom has started preparation for the 2-day customary rituals and rites. I panic whenever I think of the many relatives and family friends who will attend the anniversary event. I cannot cope with meeting people at the moment and seriously wonder how I'm going to manage that without breaking-down. I'm just very stressed over it. I wish I can disappear right now so I don't have to face all this. Breaks my heart whenever I'm reminded that my dad's gone.
I feel weary, heavy-burdened, and useless. I'm starting to feel maybe I should just let go and disappear forever. My brain tells me: (1) I haven't achieve much in life so no regrets there. (2)If my family can cope with my dad's passing, they will be able to cope with mine ok.(3) I don't have many friends anyway. (4) Perhaps 2 years of trying to get better and not suceeding is enough trying.
Lynn
Dear Lynn,
Thank you for writing to Depnet.
It sounds as though you have been feeling pretty low lately. The (festive) Christmas season can be a tough time for many people especially if it is a time they associate with a sad period in their life. You say that the first anniversary of your father’s death is fast approaching. The last year must have been quite tough on you and it sounds as though you are fearful that meeting friends and family will cause you more emotional pain. While time is a great healer, the journey towards recovery after losing someone dear, can be a difficult one. At the same time, there is a need to move forward and honour a loved-one’s memory in a positive way – one that does not cause such pain. I wonder what your father might say if he knew that you were feeling like ‘disappearing’.
You mentioned that you have spent two years trying to feel better. It would seem that you have been dealing with more than just the loss of your father. What happened two years ago to start you feeling so low and since you felt better at some point, what were the things that you tried to make yourself better?
The festive season, just like emotions, surfaces and goes away at different times. Is it worth taking an action that can be irreversible for something that will only be here temporarily? Since there is still more than a week before CNY, it may be more beneficial to consider constructive ways to cope with the visitations from relatives and friends.
Regards,
Depnet