Hi to the panel of experts. The above question is something that I have been toying with. I really am unsure if it is just me being unable to snap out of it.
There are times when I introspect and look back at my whole life (24 years of existence) and I just find that out of a hundred times there are 95 ocassions when things do not turn out the way I want. As a young girl I have always wanted to attend a certain premier girls' school but my grades were not good enough (I did manage to get a place in one of the top schools around though). When I got to upper secondary, I was having problems with my Additional Mathematics course. No matter how hard I tried ( finishing all the questions in the 10 year series, asking my friends for help etc) but I did not do well. I distinctly remember failing 3 tests consecutively, and my scores hovered around the 50+ - 60+ range. It was terribly depressing as I definitely put in as much effort as my peers who were scoring distinctions. At the end of Sec 3 I wanted to just give it up and focus on the other subjects, only to face disapproval from my teacher and to a larger extent, my parents. So... I trudged on to please them. I got a distinction for it for my O levels, albeit at a very high cost (time spent to study for it etc etc) Things got worse when I got to JC. I was extremely glad to have made it to a premier JC in Singapore, but that joy was short-lived as firstly, I was stuck with a subject combination that I did not want. I knew that my Physics was rotten and so I did not want to do it but the college said that I can take that combination only because of issues with the time table. In JC I was extremely interested in Chemistry. I paid 100% attention in class, I did my tutorials religiously etc. I even went to the extent of getting tutorial worksheets from other JCs to practice and giving it to my teacher to grade it. However, the best that I ever managed in my 2 years in school was no better than the ocassional D or E. At one point in time my tutor remarked " I don't understand why you keep getting such low marks even though you put in so much effort." At that time I was already feeling like an idiot. I was already feeling that no matter how hard I tried it is not going to make a differnece. And why is it that while I did my work religiously I failed, but my peers who did not even bother to touch their worksheets could pass? As for my Physics, I was consistently scoring terribly, usually below the <20 percentile, again despite doing all my tutorials etc. I was made to go for remedial classes, much to my angst as I felt that I am failing not because of my laziness, but beccause of my lack of interest and lack of, "talent". When I got back my A level results, I was crushed as I was in the bottom 25% (inferred from the statistics given by the principal). Despite failing my Chemistry throughout my JC years, I finally got an A for it. But was I happy? No. What I felt then (and I still do) is that I am only getting what I truly deserve. People usualyl say that the harder it is for you to get something, the more you'd treasure it. For me, I utterly despise myself. Why? Because I am the idiot who had to spend 200 hours to get the A while others probably only needed 100 hours. In university I often found that the grade I got was not a function of how much effort I put in also, as there is usually the component of a group project, which means that it is even less in my control. Anyway I managed to graduate with latin honors in Dec 2007. My career has been far from what I expected it to be. I am extremely keen on pursuing a Front Office career with a leading financial institution. Durign the recruitment drives in 2007 I failed to secure a single job. 4 months after graduation I secured a job at a certain financial institution but the jobscope was not what I was interested in ( I was fully aware of it when I signed the contract but at that time I felt it was the most rational thing to do because of the worsening economic conditions). Every morning I just felt like hanging myself. I absolutely hated my work and I did not look forward to going to work. In my job I felt that I was not appreciated, and to a larger extent, underused. I spent a good part of my time passing documents for the relevant people to sign . I felt that I was a grossly over-qualified Personal ASsistant. I felt that the job was boring, unstimulating and unrewarding. I quit after 6 months there which coincided with the rapidly deteriorating financial markets and economic conditions, much to the chagrin of close relatives who felt that it was irrational to do so. Thus far I have been unable to do what I truly love. I just find that there really isnt any meaning in me planning for the future as I find that the outcome is not determined by me. There is a lot of "white noise". I feel that I am not in control of my life, and I am extremely uncomfortable with that. I am currently pursuing professional qualifications, but I now question the value of that. I just find that it is meaningless to continue incurring any more costs, monetary or otherwise, when I have not seen any returns. I am just...utterly sick and tired of not achieving my goals despite the effort put in.
I am not entirely sure if my thoughts are cognitive distortions and if they are, is it to my interest to seek psychiatric help, or is it something I can break out of on my own? If it is the latter, how can I do it?
Dear “Is there a real need to seek professional help?”
Thank you for writing to Depnet. We hoped it had helped in clarifying your concerns.
WOW!! Not only did you set tough goals for yourself, you are also very determined to succeed by putting in much effort to reach them. & you have been successful in achieving your goals (!!) even if it didn’t happen exactly the way you wanted it.
However, it’s of concern that you believed your goals could only be achieved with a great deal of effort when compared with others. & that when one put in a great deal of effort, one should achieve their goals. We wonder in what other ways have these beliefs affected your life.
Your experience seems somewhat similar to that of Edison, inventor of light (?). He has often been quoted to say that he discovered 99 ways that didn’t work. The success came as a result of learning from the “failures”. Like him, you strived again & again to reach your goals even when others have long given up. Can you imagine how modern living could have been delayed if he had given up? So how does it help to look at them exclusively as 99 failures or the single success? or that you put in so much more effort compared to others? & sometimes, enough is enough & we also need to revaluate the effectiveness of our efforts.
As to whether there “is there a real need to seek professional help?” it’s really up to you. You decide if it’d be helpful to obtain professional help to clarify issues & learn the necessary skills that could facilitate the emotional processing of your experience & enjoying your life.
Regards,
Depnet