Hi,
I would like to ask why is it that seemingly benign events such as childhood bullying from peers and unpleasant encounters as a child (like being molested by a peer and being disciplined by teachers in school) can result in manifestations of flashbacks in early adulthood? The most baffling thing is that when it happens, it feels like being trapped in the past with lots of fear and it causes lots of distress. Such episodes are rare, with the frequency of a few times a year.
Funnily enough, I was never affected when I was a child as I have above average grades in school until I had my first depressive episode when I was in junior college and everything became bad. I started self harming and became suicidal then and small things can trigger unwanted intrusive flashbacks or dissociations. My stress threshold also decreased dramatically. Then came the hypomania and I was diagnosed with a dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.
I wonder why all these, which never happened in childhood started happening in my adolescence. My psychologist suggested that the decade long verbal and relational bullying could have been traumatic to me despite my beliefs that it is not traumatic as I was rarely threatened physically. But I do have a tendency to dissociate whenever I feel overwhelmed.
Also right now, at the age of 20 after a year plus of struggling with bipolar and borderline personality disorder or perhaps much earlier before I was diagnosed, I still have rapid cycles and mixed episodes where I cannot control the agitation. Why is it there one gets extremely agitated and even dissociates, especially during mixed episodes?
My doctor has dealt with the agitation by prescribing haloperidol on top of my usual sedatives and mood stabilizer and antidepressant as I prefer self management whenever possible. While the drug works in calming me down, there are times because of my numerous episodes, I became very fearful and worried that it will happen again. I prefer to self manage rather than be hospitalized when I am agitated and have suicidal thoughts despite advice from psychiatrist on occasions to get admitted as previous stays have only served to worsen my moods because of the confinement and restricted my ability to carry out the numerous responsibilities that I have.
My family leaves everything up to me. And I have told my psychiatrist and psychologist all of these and that it is painful living and waiting for the other shoe to drop, not knowing if my studies will once again get affected by an illness that I swore much earlier that I will not allow it to interfere with my life. I am very angry that it is happening and preventing me from realizing my potential in life and from focusing on my studies effectively.
Dear “Vulnerability”
Thank you for writing to Depnet. Bullying & molestation, by definition, are activities that assault, hurt, intimidate & persecute persons mentally, physically or sexually. As activities forced upon unwilling persons, they are by no means benign. When compounded, bullying & molestation could be traumatic to anyone at any age & especially so in our childhood or teenage years. Punishments that are perceived to be unpleasant may also be traumatic. Our brains / minds work in somewhat strange ways to protect us until such time that it deems it ready to deal with the trauma. These past 3-4 years must have been terribly difficult for you to cope as a teenager; imagine how much more difficult it would have been for a child. (Btw, dissociation is one of our brain’s / mind’s protective mechanism that’s often activated to help us cope with overwhelming stresses. Likely, it enabled you to work for your above average results. )
Despite the distressing cycle of flashbacks, & more so, the fearfulness & self-doubts, your attempts to control and find balance shows your determination to overcome the challenges & improve your self-management. Often, for people in similar situations, it may be helpful to improve their mood management (of anger, fears, etc.) as these can be major contributors to mood swings (frequency, intensity, duration). & stabilize.
& before that, we need to realize that sometimes there are just no satisfactory answers to our fears. Would you believe it if someone says that you’ll be ok from now on? Being a smart person, you wouldn’t. & rightly so. Hence, in such situations, it comes down to a choice: to continue wondering if we’d be prevented from achieving our potential & getting more worried, fearful & stressed about it …. Or just do it. Learn to handle our fears – stop them from affecting other areas of our life, redirecting your focus more effectively onto your studies. Little step by little step & after many many little steps, realize your potential.
Regards,
Depnet