This is not a question per se... but rather, a confusion of thoughts which I am unable to get myself out.
Internally, I am struggling, struggling to stay within the path of a good person - a person who abides by the moral standards of the world. It just dawned on me that i am bitter - bitter with the world and the people around me. Hence, the better half of me just want to give up on myself and act bad. Afterall, what do I get in behaving the way I am now? Nothing.
Those I have trusted and who have assured me of their understanding, their help... have at one time or other, changed their position and concluded that I choose to be this way. The acceptance that I long for never did come.
I am at a point where I cannot set my thoughts straight. I doubt I will be able to work out on this myself but I am just too afraid to knock against the wall one more time to approach anyone for help. It seems like a dead end yet I know I cannot end life this way. The only way I can handle this is to give up on myself and let life end on its own.
Many a times, I cried out within myself, to God "Help Me, Send someone to help me, someone whom I can open up to with no fear". But, it didn't happen. Then I ask God.. "You don't think I am at the end of my road?" but He never answered me.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the longest time, tried all the medications possible - from the cheapest to the most expensive, from the lowest to the highest of the range... so where am I now? probably back at the same spot.
After so many years of seeing the doctor, I have begun to feel that disappointment in myself, ashamed to be still seeing him.. with the same old story, same old cycle.
Dear “Lost”
Thank you for writing to Depnet. It does get one down when we appear to be going living the same old story, same old cycle for the longest time. We hope that writing out your confusion has helped a bit in clarifying things.
Since you don’t wish to “end life this way”, how would you like your life to be? Once you’ve got your goal in mind, perhaps look at the behaviours that will bring you closer to it. & Look at what’s stopping you from living the kind of life you want. & Look at how you managed to work so hard for so long, & now, the strength that helped you through each day.
Of course, this also means that we need to examine our beliefs & letting go of those that are not good for our development. & it’s no wonder that you are confused & constrained.
First off, “moral standards of the world” is simply, simply too stressful for anyone to live up to. Most people adopt a moral stance (appropriately adjusted) that they can live satisfactorily with. As you’ve discovered, while we can choose our actions, consequences are beyond our control: a bitter truth.
Also, it may be helpful to question your definition that understanding is equivalent to acceptance. For example, we understand that some people may be more tempted to use illegal means to achieve their goals; do we accept their behaviour?
Being fearful & careful about trusting others is often helpful in helping us improve our assessment skills. & no matter how good we become, there’s always risks you’ve painfully experienced.
However, the problem right now seems that your fear of betrayal is preventing you from having any chance or experience to grow better in evaluating people, more skilful in handling risks, developing trust in others & yourself. & learning to accept yourself instead of waiting for others to accept you.
It’s ok you are not ready to open up. Meanwhile, it may be helpful to stop thinking about this issue (because there isn’t any satisfactory answer). Or do 1 little thing each day that could put 1 tiny little chink in the unwanted story & cycle. Or do 1 little thing that you’d do in the kind of life you want that’ll tell a different story.
Regards,
Depnet