Hi,
I've several questions that I would like to ask.
1) I've a mood disorder and a personality disorder. May I ask if there are ways in which I can learn to cope by self? My (new) doctor and even friend (who happens to be a professional) advise me to learn to help myself and not to rely on others. Somehow their advice seems hard to follow. Though my bipolar mood episodes are under control (in that there is no episode since february), I know I have not been handling or coping well because the borderline behaviours are getting from bad to worst - I have overdosed 'for fun' (which is not entirely the real reason), felt extremely insecure and fearful of abandonment in friendships and had to cope with dissociation and anxiety on a pretty regular basis. It feels so tiring and the road seems so long despite the fact that the bipolar mixed/hypomania episodes are not present for the last month or so. Somehow it seems perverse but I rather cope with the mixed episodes than to cope with borderline behaviours because I am not very aware of what I'm doing during an acute mixed episode. Most of the time though, I don't know which is worse because both leaves me with the sense that I am better off not existing.
I asked this question also because my psychologist has decided to reduce sessions because of her heavy caseload and I would most probably have to stick to seeing her once a month or with a longer interval than that and I had to adjust to a new doctor after my doctor has took a long leave. I want to know how I can cope by myself/help myself?
2) How do I cope with the sense of despair that I have that nothing is going to be alright, at least for quite some time? I'm a tertiary student and I would like to avoid hospitalization, for the sake of my family (who does not know how I feel) and for my studies. I also hate being locked up and the doctors know that hospitalizations have only served to agitate me further due to my freedom being curbed. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel because friends can't cope with my negativity and I had to put on a happy front when I'm not really happy sone of the time. Even friends who understand what depression is like are scared of me when I'm struggling with borderline problems or my bipolar mood episodes. One of them who though, has been really supportive has told me that she is very helpless over what to do when I am extremely emotional or drained. My previous doctor (who is away) has been extremely supportive in helping me self manage, even when my mood episodes are at its worst because circumstances would dictate a transfer to another hospital for inpatient treatment, should I need it. And for more reasons than one, my family and I are not willing to accept hospitalization as an option at all. Doing so takes too much out of me and makes me feel worse, especially the part where I will not be home. Being in a new environment also triggers/worsens my mood and insomnia, hence I never sleep well away from home. Yet with this new doctor who is more distant and less supportive, I feel very lost. I don't know how to convey my frustrations nor will what I said be accepted by anyone, be it my psychologist, psychiatrist, friends or family. I've also stopped taking my meds because the routine was disrupted by my recent OD and I'm tired of trying to remember when to take which and for what.
3) I've always had anxiety on and off and sometimes would jump at the slightest sound. However, after my OD on antidepressant and antipsychotic med, I was extremely jumpy and would almost always jump at sudden sounds or being called from behind. Psy doc who evaluated me in the ward attributed it to my OD but now, days after discharge, it has only improved slightly but the jumpiness is enough to cause distress at work because I would get spooked when called by colleagues or bosses. How do I deal with this?
Thanks
Hi “several questions”
It sounds as though you have been dealing with a number of challenges in recent years. While you say you have been coping with the symptoms of Bipolar, it seems that your behaviour related to Borderline Personality Disorder is causing you much more concern.
Experiencing a personality disorder affects the way a person thinks, feels and behaves. Often individuals suffer from unstable moods, difficulty with relationships and low self-esteem. It is also not unusual for those with Borderline Personality Disorder to be diagnosed with another condition.
From what you say, you have been taking a number of positive steps, in seeking treatment and have many supportive people around you, including your doctor, psychologist, family and friends. At the same time you also appear quite insightful with regard to your health and recognise that working with a therapist is useful in helping you cope. We would certainly encourage you to continue with this approach.
You mentioned that you are not happy some of the time. This suggests that there are times when you are happy. It can help to focus on such times as well as the things that make you feel good about yourself. Sometimes, when the negative emotions come and you feel overwhelmed by them, it may appear that life was/is/will never be anything else but this unbearable. Thus be aware of the triggers for such moments and prepare yourself for them with reminders that just as they can come, they can go away. During happy times, create reminders of the happy things, the happy feelings, to be used when you FEEL that things are not so good. It could be as simple as a photograph of an enjoyable time with a friend.
Additionally, individuals experiencing Borderline Personality Disorder are particularly prone to stress. Recognising when you are feeling stressed and understanding what causes you to feel stressed can help you to reduce tension. Other things that can help are to have a balanced life-style which includes eating well and exercising – this in turn can help insomnia. Having a purpose in life (such as volunteer work or achieving goals in your education) that provides a person with a sense of value and improved confidence and self-esteem can also be beneficial.
With regard to feeling jumpy, often individuals experiencing mental illness can be hypersensitive to sounds around them. Alternatively they can be so focused on what is going on inside themselves that they block out what is happening around them, and so are surprised when someone ‘suddenly appears’ or a noise intrudes into their thoughts. The psychiatrist has attributed your nervousness to your OD experience, and while you are still experiencing being ‘jumpy’, you have noticed an improvement. This suggests that given time, you may continue to feel better.
Clearly you are someone who has a strong determination to manage your illness and avoid having to be admitted to hospital. You also have a strong self-awareness of how your illness impacts your life and a desire to move forward in in a positive way.
Regards,
Depnet