Hi,
I've been taking my tablets religiously, trying to look after my general well-being, taking on doctorsand therapists' advice. I don't indulge in unhealthy living habits, etc. I go to counselling sessions.
Still, the sting of life (in the form of grief, health infimities, family issues, and career issues) has been suffocating me. Recently, I've had days (and such days are on the rise) when I feel I can't face another tomorrow. Some days, I can't bear to open my eyes in the morning - wish I could sleep forever and not be.
I wish I can tell my psychiatrist/psychologist & everyone helping me I'm feeling better. But week after week, I enter their offices with a heavy heart. I can lie and pretend all is fine - but that would defeat the purposes of seeing them, wouldn't it?
I try to live one day at a time, take on one challenge at a time. But sometimes, even that isn't easy and sends me to the edge.
Some friends comment that "it's about time I get myself sorted out, move on from the pain of grief, and get myself out of depression". "Go watch a funny film", they say. Whenever I hear that, I break down in tears, almost losing my sanity. If they knew how hard I've been trying. If they only knew. I try so hard it hurts. If they only knew. If only I could wake up one day and breathe painlessly and return to my old self (one I hardly recognise anymore). Is it just me or are there depressed people out there who DON'T enjoy being depressed?
Now, I just think maybe another tomorrow is all it takes to take my life.
Hannah
Dear Hannah
We commend you for your courage, that despite the difficulties you face, you press on day by day. You also demonstrate wisdom in trying to manage one challenge at a time so that you don’t get overwhelmed and render your efforts ineffective.
For something to be enjoyable, it’s probably bringing us joy or pleasure, thus it’s hard to imagine the oxymoron you’ve observed in some people – enjoying depression. However, your observation may help shed some light on your situation. What is it about the depression they experience that makes them possibly enjoy it? What different message is the depression you experience giving you? If given the opportunity, what do you want to say to Depression?
Additionally, you sound frustrated with those around you. It can often be difficult to listen to the advice of friends who do not necessarily understand our pain and therefore assume that one can simply ‘snap out of it’. As you say, “if only they knew”. When people feel overwhelmed by emotions, they often feel they need to cope alone and not burden friends and family. Yet in doing so this means that no one will know the real story. It’s therefore important to remember that their words come from the perspective of caring and knowing that we have people in our live who care is an important part helping us through our difficulties
Regards,
Depnet