The question was submitted
12 January 2010
Subject: Grief & Moving On
Hi,
It's been a while since I first wrote about the loss of my father. Actually, it's been 2 years. The death anniversary is in 2 weeks.
Time seemed to have stood still these 2 years. At least that's how it feels like. The pain is still deep and the wound still raw. I still avoid any conversation about my dad. There are still days when I feel I can't handle life without my dad and wanted to end my life. Or maybe it's just me who hasn't "moved on". I don't know.
Recently my house underwent major renovation. I refused the idea of redecorating my room. Every piece of furnishing has my dad's fingerprints on it. I can't bear to let go of any of it. That's all ok but the other thing that hit me was how confused the reno-works made me feel. It seems my mom and sisters are moving on. Sometimes I wonder whether that's right - moving on.
I try my best to get on with life. I struggled to complete my professional training and am now in my 3rd month of work. But I don't enjoy it anymore. I used to love my work but now I drag myself through each workday. I have nice bosses and colleagues. I am not in need. I should be happy. I should be enjoying life. But I don't. I swear I've tried. I tried to get back into my old hobbies; I tried new things; I drag myself to the gym to train 3 times a week; I eat healthy, etc.
The old adage that "time heals all wounds" doesn't seem that true after all. Surely it's not the passage of time that heals. But if time isn't the healer, what is?
Hannah
Answer from DepNet
Dear Hannah,
We commend you for your efforts in trying your best to get on with life in the past 2 years. & while at times it’s so painful to handle life without your dad & feel that you can’t “move on”, there were also times when you felt that you “should be happy & enjoying life”. Such contradicting concerns, though part of the process, can be highly confusing to the person in grief. & worst still, it seems that no one seems to care as much about his passing as you do, not even your mom or sisters.
We wish it could be painless even though the journey is never easy. You must have tried all ways & found that most don’t work for you. & we don’t know how you can allow yourself to work through the seemingly conflicting concerns to reach your destination. However, we do know that it’s very tough to feel happy when one holds on so tightly to something that causes such deep pain. It’s like picking at the newly formed scab over the wound & exposing the delicate flesh. Again. How does that work in healing?
More so when we think that it’s not “right” to move on (most define “moving on” as continuing with life, learning to fully participate & enjoy things again despite the loss of the most beloved, achieving personal growth & goals. What’s yours?) What made it not “right”? Morally? Yet a part feels that you "should be happy" What made it a "should"?
“Time heals all wounds” … you may notice that duration is not specified ... since each person handles the impact of the wounds differently. Yr mom & sisters appear to be “moving on” in life; only his wife & other daughters know & feel the pain hidden in their hearts. We wish you a workable decision for the third year of his passing.
The answer was published on DepNet
22 January 2010