Excuses
Written by
fungus
Am I depressed? If I am, so what? There's still those quizzes on Mon which I have not studied for. It's not going to go away, even if I finally manage to convince myself that I am depressed enough to need help. Is depression going to be a sufficient excuse for it all? I'm not sure if I'm simply looking an excuse to feel less guilty for watching endless cycles of crappy ANTM instead of studying, and for being so cruel to my friends and family, for sinning against God, instead of admitting that I am simply a terrible person. Maybe that's why a felt a sense of sick gleeful pleasure when I saw that the results of the online test indicated that I have moderate-severe depression. Yay! Haha..finally a justification for it all..phah! But I know in my heart that I'm not that depressed, simply because I don't really have suicidal thoughts. I'm too scared of pain and death really, to do anything. No dangers here except for me wasting my life away, at a point when I'm so so close. I sleep well, in fact sleeping time is my favourite time of the day. So I don't think that my condition is that bad. So what's my excuse?
But I'm tired, really really tired of struggling just to get by, to be at peace with myself and to appear "normal" in front of others and I'm really really tired of being scared. My life is spinning out of control and I'm too tired to do anything about it. I'm too tired and also too ashamed to pray. So I need to find an excuse for all this. But then again, If I am depressed, so what?