To boldly go where no one has gone before...
Written by
enigma
It's like a never-ending dream sequence, one that is out of touch with reality. Or at least, reality that is social defined by Singapore society.
Almost twenty (20) years ago, school was rather unassuming. But suddenly, a switch was flipped. I found myself not being socially adept. My notion of friendship became unrealistic and I found certain social behaviours and people confusing.
I grew distant. I started to withdraw. One of my favourite after-school activities was to dress up in an all-black attire (much like The Crow) and confined myself to darker corners of the corridors within the premises, just waiting or hoping that something will happen. I'm usually there from around 8:00 - 10:00pm.
It was peaceful.
As a young adult, I began immersing myself completely into the life and persona of my favourite characters on television and films - The Undertaker, David Bruce Banner, etc; basically any and all anti-heroes who were flawed and trying to find some semblance of inner peace wherever possible.
It was Captain James T. Kirk who declared, "I've always known, I'd die alone..." And the lonesome theme music from The Incredible Hulk series during the late 70s and early 80s that played each time David Banner runs off to another town to escape the wreckage and destruction effected by his green alter-ego, played deep into my psyche.
I began to detest most of my family members, who by that time, had cast my hatred in stone. And so-called friends become just a memory, lines of names and mobile number digits that I inevitably delete after a time from my telephone book. Eventually, I burn every bridge that I crossed.
I can't keep a job for long as something always happens, something always goes wrong. At times, I actually felt that it might be better to have lost a limb, any one will do, for having a physical disability would be easier to cope with than an illness in the brain that nobody understands or even remotely cares about.
Does it get any better? regretfully, I don't have an answer to that. Not for someone in my shoes anyway. These days, I feel only numbness. I'm happiest when I'm watching something on the telly or at the movies. But when I'm not, I sleep. I can't seem to find the motivation to go out.
I know it's important to have some sort of social contact, but friends have long disappeared. I no longer trust myself to make friends. I don't want to get disappointed anymore.
But I know that that cannot be the end. And that is why I am here. The only sparkle of hope that I have to getting better is that I am still here. I'm always thinking of running away, but to where? It's not as if I'm in the U.S. where one could leave behind their tiresome life in, say Alaska, to start one anew in California. Leaving Bedok for Jurong or Woodlands sounds like a bad joke.
I need to find a way out. Don't be mistaken, I'm not talking about dying or suicide, but I just need to leave my current life. Aliens are welcome to come and anal probe me all the way to Planet Krypton for all I care. I just need to leave, but I don't know how and to where. Yet.
That is my story up to this point. Thank you for reading.